Friday, October 12, 2012

My 15 Year Old Self Was Petulant and Grumpy

So it's the first International Day of the Girl, and I just read this article about fifteen year old selves.  I was fifteen twenty years ago. As my title indicates, my fifteen year old self was petulant, grumpy. It was a momentous year: that was the year I discovered trashy romance novels and Cosmopolitan magazine, so I learned lots and lots about sex. Star Trek: The Next Generation was in its fifth season, and I was home to watch it every single Saturday night because I really didn't have many friends. I developed an insatiable desire to watch Little House on the Prairie reruns on TBS. I read every Victoria Holt book the public library had multiple times and I listened to Mariah Carey. A lot.

Yeah, I hated being fifteen. I hated it at the time, and every year on my birthday (still!) I am glad I am not fifteen any more. If I could go back in time and talk to fifteen year old Barbi, I would tell her that in twenty years being a geek is going to be really cool. I would encourage her to own her Trekkie love and to read something besides Victoria Holt novels. I would give myself a pat on the back for not wearing terrible early nineties hairstyles. I would ardently BEG fifteen year old Barbi to not drink that hot Dr Pepper folk remedy my parents gave me when I got really really really sick and my parents were too broke for to take me to the doctor. (Seriously, to this day I can't even smell Dr Pepper without getting sick to my stomach). I would give my parents the thumbs up for letting me adopt my very first cat. I would confirm that geometry still sucks balls and that in twenty years she will still think it was pretty cool of her English teacher to let her read Jurassic Park and Roots for class.

 Most importantly, I would tell her that she's not fat and ugly; she's so so beautiful. I would emphasize that fifteen year old boys are supremely stupid shits. I would tell fifteen year old Barbi to be proud of the person she is because she is is pretty damn spectacular.

Fifteen year old Barbi wouldn't have any of this though. Fifteen year old Barbi was petulant, grumpy , stubborn, and angry at her parents for making her move halfway across the country the year before. Fifteen year old Barbi only wanted to read things about sex and Victorian England, watch Star Trek, and ride her bike down to the Dairy Queen for Reese's Pieces blizzards. She didn't want to listen to anyone, although I know she would have made an exception for Captain Jean-Luc Picard. TNG was straight up awesome when I was fifteen.

She wanted desperately to fit in with the other kids, and she didn't understand why she didn't. What I didn't realize is that I just hadn't found my people yet. I didn't understand that I spent pretty much all of my teens and twenties depressed. Because of this I am continually grateful that I'm not a teenager any more. Hell, I'm continually grateful to not be in twenties any more.

The thing is, life does get better. My life has turned out to be absolutely nothing like I thought it was going to be. I'm not married. I don't have kids. (Can fifty-five year old Barbi travel back in time to tell me not to have a complex about this? Because that would be super helpful). My life is far from perfect, but I'm happier and more accepting of myself than I've ever been. I am a big ol' geeky fan girl, and I love that about myself. I gained a sense of acceptance when I finally found my geeky people. I have three cats and I own my cat lady-ness. I teach college English and it's the best job in the world. Today, there's so much about myself that I love, and sadly, I couldn't have said that about myself at fifteen.

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