1 November 2011
My office mate says that grad school is enough to make
anyone crazy. I think she’s right. Who in their right mind would do willingly
undertake all of the stress and the mountain of work that is graduate school?
Me.
I’ve been pondering this because I’m currently writing my
dissertation. I chose some really dense theory to work with. I love Homi Bhabha
and postcolonial theory, but it frustrates me so much. Why am I doing this to
myself? Because I’m crazy. I mean, I did willingly undertake this whole PhD
thing in the first place.
With my dissertation my normal state is one of avoidance. I
am really really good at not working on my dissertation. I will do just about anything
to not work on it—even things I don’t particularly enjoy doing. I’ll clean,
take my cats to the vet, grade, do laundry—anything but work on my
dissertation.
However, for some reason, a metaphorical fire has been lit
under my ass, because I have suddenly and inexplicably become quite determined
to submit my first chapter and submit it soon. I spent all weekend working on
it. All I did was dissertate, sleep and eat cookies. By the end of the weekend,
my apartment was a mess, I had been wearing the same clothes for two days, and
I was in sore need of a shower. And after all of that work, I went from having
six pages to having nine—and a paragraph. All that work—and three pages.
Where is the girl who wrote a really good 10 page paper on
D.H. Lawrence’s The Plumed Serpent in
8 hours? She needs to come back and stay forever and ever. Because if she were
here, this chapter would have been submitted already.
It would appear that even when I’m actually working on my
dissertation, I don’t want to do it. But the thing is, I do. I could talk to
you about postcolonial theory, Homi Bhabha, and 19th century England
all day long. (Not that you’d want to listen) Seriously. I love this stuff. I
think my idea for this chapter is really interesting. So why am I not making
more progress?
Blargh. I’m just frustrated. Not a good way to start
National Blog Post Month, but right now, my dissertation is all I can think
about.
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